This week in New York:

This week has been crazy, as all have been to date. Two days ago, while researching apartments in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, I was hit on by a very large transvestite. He/She/IT looked at me on the subway platform and howled “GORGEOUS,” in the most ridiculous cuban accent. “Now THAT is gorgeous, ” yelled the make-up smeared man on my left. Apparently this sort of thing is not out of the ordinary here. I walked away with a straight face, but inwardly I was laughing, or crying, or missing Texas, I don’t know. This episode was a good reminder that a true New Yorker is never surprised by the crazies and NEVER reacts. I think I played my part well.

Today’s episode I couldn’t ignore. After a long day of work, a long subway, and a long flight of stairs, I couldn’t help but stare at the three young black gentle men in colored robes, yelling into a microphone. To be honest, I heard them all the way down the subway tunnel, but I tried not to act surprised. Well I was. What I had before me was a demonstration of the Brothers of the 12 tribes of Israel.

What? Never heard of them? Neither had I.

They are a quasi-militant set of fanatics who, when I walked up, were trying to convince a young lady that Jesus was in fact a black man. This fact was of course a part of “the white man’s conspiracy,” and an essential element for salvation. After the young man’s brief sermon on an absolutely unrelated text in the book of Revelation, I was beginning to doubt my eternal security. Who knew that being light skinned made me unfit for the kingdom of heaven? Maybe all this time God was cursing the very skin he gave me?

My hope was restored when I saw a cardboard sign that listed the “true” 12 tribes of Israel. It went something like this:

Judah: Africans
Issachar: Haitians
Ruben: East Indies
Benjamin: Native Americans
Dan: Mexicans

I WAS SAVED!! (Inwardly I burned to know whether God had forgotten about the Puerto Ricans, Guatamalens, Costa Ricans, and other latinos, or whether He had made the common mistake of lumping in a more general category “Mexicans”)

To think I had lived my life in complete ignorance of the fact that I was a true child of God. I should mention that this board of salvation was resting between to 3ft by 3 ft, golden stars of David. Maybe Dave was a brother himself?

I have to admit I was sad when my bus came to take me away from the angry gentlemen in the colorful, levetical priest robes. They made my day.