Statistically Significant Slices

The following post is dedicated to my misguided sister:

Pizza. It is a beautiful thing, made more beautiful still here in New York. Pies, as the cognoscente call them, are foldable mixtures of cheese, tomato sauce, and sundry toppings. But New York’s finest contribution to the civilized world is the pizza crust. True New York style pizza is known by its thin and sometimes mildly crispy crust; in this way, it distinguishes itself from its apocryphal cousin: Chicago Style (Red=Bad). I now give you my (pseudo) scientific analysis of why New York Pizza kicks in the proverbial teeth of its Illinoisan ersatz.

As a preliminary warning, I will be using the most accurate of statistical models to present my data. The information herein is not necessarily complex; obfuscation is my intention.

1. Error Range: I will begin with the most basic of arguments. In terms of percentage volume, NYC pizzas (henceforth: NYCP) are in the general range of 43.3-51.2%, as opposed to the 78.2-86.3% of Chicago (henceforth: CP), allowing of course for the 2% margin of error inherent in current pizza volume metrics. The reader will note that the ratio of crust percentage is nearly 2:1 in favor of C pizza. Where this gross disparity becomes important is when crust error is considered. Disregarding the actual cause of error, we can assume that crust quality will sort in a normal distribution. Therefore, if a given crust were in fact flawed, the event would be twice as significant in the life of a Chicago pizza relative to a NYCP. Furthermore, if you were to pick a pizza at random, probability would suggest that a CP had a 36% higher chance of being flawed. The proof is left to the reader.

2. Ingredient Ratios: As stated implicitly above, C crust is essentially the pizza itself. Ingredients are a statistical after thought. The inherent beauty of NYCP is its ingredient centricity. I will again redact the proof, but the ancients have taught us that Fibonacci’s golden ratio is best with ingredients & pizza.

3. Health: Atkins? South Beach? Lower carbs= Smaller belly. Could I be anymore scientific?

4. Authenticity: It is well documented in the annals of anthropology that true Italian pizza is thin crusted. Margaret Mead makes excellent discussion of this fact in her book Coming of Age in Sicily.

5. Coolness: New York is cooler than Chicago; this claim needs no justification. It is a priori, an infallibly axiomatic tautology.

6. Taste: NYCP just tastes better, sorry.

Can I be more explicit? The pizza is really good here.