The Giants people are killing me. They want me to cheer for the home team now that the Cowboys are out of it, but I just can’t. I can’t turn my back on decades of hatred, all fully justified mind you, for a team that has always found a way to be a menacing force in the NFC east.
Likewise, I could never conscientiously cheer for the (warning: Star Trek reference approaching) New England Borg, if only just because I can’t stand the ridiculous hyperbole invoked to praise their accomplishments.
I turn therefore to the hallowed American institution of representative democracy. I propose to give you, yes you, good people of the Internet the power to determine for whom I will cheer come February 3rd. Your vote, should you choose to cast it, could place me in mortal peril as I heartlessly boast Tom Brady’s greatness to pirate-eyed Giants fans, or equally worryingly, condemn me to the empty motions of a prostitute as I, against my better football judgement, praise Eli Manning for otherwise perfunctory accomplishments, as one might praise a dog for barking loudly. Neither is a pleasant fate, but I find no other way. I give the people my commitment to cheer as the vote demands.
You will now find a handy voting device to the right of this post. Please take the time to cast your vote and leave a comment as to why you voted the way you did. In such a case as no votes are cast, which is highly likely, I will flip a coin, heads for the Giants - tails for the Pats; let the Fates decide.
I should mention that I first conceived of this scheme concerning my vote in the presidential election, except I thought about selling it on Ebay to the highest bidder. I thought better of this after weighing the moral imperative to vote, the social implications of such an action, and the fact that unless you work in Congress it is illegal to accept money for a vote.